Pedo-All are. Who is the least, that is the question.
Murderer-All are. Who is the least, that is the question.
Thief-All are. Who is the least, that is the question.
Coward-All are. Who is the least, that is the question.
Animal-All are. Who is the least, that is the question.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
It is said one who can rise in bhramha muhurta can do anything. I have never been an early bird but a night owl. But I woke up today shouting MC to my dad in my dream at 4:28 am. Yesterday I don’t know why while I was reading my mother’s message I felt to cut my hairs. I sat on toilet cut the over grown hairs and flushed it down along with Feces. Maggi still taste like shit. Earlier I uploaded the screenshots but it will really ruin image of mother for all of you so I deleted. May be when you all are ready.
Even Psychologist with MBBS don’t get that micro managing a 35 year old like selecting clothes to wear or which brand or color underwear to wear is not normal.
2018 to 2024 I was off duty officially but unofficially as I was still shitting for my company. Of all I learned as long as you follow norms like eating sleeping speaking as directed you can be an addict to whatever you want. Porn Drugs etc except sex. That is saved for marriage which family will arrange.
There were times after I managed to crawl out of Rehab when I could not even stand still. Zero self esteem. Walking for hours was my only coping mechanism. I use to take sleeping pills at 7 pm itself so I could go unconscious till 9 pm.
All the time I was awake I use to be completely restless.
They tried to employ me in a Kirana, guilt me into washing Nanas shit, Mince thousands of dates for stupid chakhna(For Kalaris) business that was doomed to fail.
I gave gate once in 2023, gave fees to IIT G but when I went to join the hotel I booked had bed bugs like some years before in home which they use to kill at night one by one. They can go till Pune but not buy a pesticide by themselves.
I didn’t slept whole night watching them crawling all over the place. That night I saw Ad for Patent exam. I researched the syllabus felt pretty confident to clear it so I filled up the form and started preparing from that night itself. Even when returning home in train. I stayed in Guwahati near station for a week just to get confirm tatkal ticket. I gave gate again along with two more exams. One for BARC but only 3 post for general of which 2 were PWD.
Another for 4 vacancies in MP electricity generation company which was open for diploma as well. I didn’t really wanted to. Only 4 seats and millions applicants and I am not very good in GK. What will I do GK.
I was optimistic for Patent only as it had many vacancies. But the exam had many discrepancies. First the prelims was cancelled on grounds of open cheating in many centers. I would have cleared the prelims that time itself but had to wait for another 8 months for re-exam. After re exam which was very tough so with low cutoff also I cleared, there was written like IES and an interview. I cleared all by decent margin. Though I was apprehensive till the result. I just wanted to clear it for self esteem.
The whole exam was conducted very poorly by NTA. First re-exam of prelims, then change of exam center one day before exam, then giving Bilaspur Haryana as center for Bilaspur CG candidate, then misprint in admit cards, then Loosing examination copy of written, then changing interview dates as per whims. But I cleared it somehow.
I forgot the Youtue channel, Parikchit I think which extensively covered this and also a case is pending in Delhi high court for the discrepancies in the exam. The court ordered stay for joining but money took the winning trophy the very next hearing. Obviously I didn’t planned to go but after watching all this even more.
The other was MP electricity company which probably don’t have more than 100 MW units. I prepared but had not a drop of desire to join.
For BARC I was least sure. A day before the online exam a local guinea pig of mine asked to contribute money for a local prostitute. They were uncontrollable as hell. I said I don’t do this. Plus my libido after rehab is negative. I gave them money because I didn’t wanted to go to Bhopal alone that too in a remote corner of the city for an exam with close to zero chances of clearing. But eventually had to go alone only. Sharing auto was available but I booked personal. The exam had 50 gate level questions to do in 1 hour. I did about 25 with decent accuracy. Nobody could do all 50 in one hour.
Any way I cleared it. They called about 10 people for a post for interview. Mine was on the first day and first in serial number also. Ie I was the first general to give the interview. I didn’t knew TO is not as difficult as SO. I went with SO preparation. Interview lasted for 25 minutes only. I had no expectation obviously. There also the auto person charged quite high while engaging me in chit chat about how they don’t allow even match stick inside because they make atom Bombs in Anushakti nagar. I said OK.
Interview question were simple so I couldn’t judge if I did good or not. Many people share interview question of BARC as it is considered toughest technical interview in India. So I can share mine as well.
1.) Transient response of second order system.
2.) Pole zero plot of second order system.
3.) Effect of adding a pole or zero.
4.) Ideal diode I V plot. Real diode I V plot. Reverse saturation current typical range.
5.) Solar cell I V plot if biased.
6.) Factors affecting Clock speed limit. Typical range of delay.
7.) Opamp What is virtual ground. Why negative feedback.
8.) RC circuit. What happens if capacitor is charged and then removed from battery. Leakage resistance. Typical range.
After coming back I had three options. Mtech Patent or BARC of which only Mtech was certain. BARC was one waiting. Patent had court case.
I joined MTech. I learned lot of stuff one will not even hear in Btech.
First Sem was stressful as I was not sure if I will do for whole 2 years or not. The left over hairs also started falling. Since a year or so I use to unwillingly watch AP videos. After joining Mtech it was my only time pass when not studying. I told my room mate I don’t know why I am studying I may not even last a month here if joining comes. Any way even after skipping surprise quizes I managed to be topper. I felt like a kid again. Next sem it was mostly verilog coding. Most of the assignments were finished before time by me alone though I had no will to clear campus.
It was all Nishkam karma. I enjoyed doing it. Still I got 9 in I forgot which subject and a TA who knew the faculty got 10. Yes it happens in IIT as well. May be that’s why suicides.
My over bearing family came to visit me in Guwahati and made me stand in line in Kamakhya mandir from 5am till 5pm. I was frustrated as I had no kam there but all others obviously had kam ikcha strong enough to break the line.
Any way after a dreadful long tiring day which I survived skimming through the Block chain pdf I finally returned and waved good bye to all the next day to take a breath.
A day later I heard the news of maternal Aunt dying. I was doing my MTech project work when I heard the news which I continued doing till it was finished. I didn’t gave much attention as I had left Sagar and shed all its memories a long time ago. But slowly it started catching me again.
My cousin sibling, her adopted daughter just texted me Dada Bhai.
I went later to attend Tervi( 13 day ). Meanwhile I had extended joining for Patent 2 times.
I went to attend but after dressing up on the day I just lied motionless on bed watching cartoons with my niece.
I felt something. Just like when a tribe of hunters bring a deer or any animal carcass for all to feast upon it seemed these programs are also an excuse to party on the invisible dead carcass to take ones share. Since I am the artistic one I didn’t got any, neither I wanted any. But I felt had I not been motionless surely some fight for no reason would have erupted.
Anyway I left the place as fast as I could. Rest of the story you know. While in Patna I mass mailed my blog post titled suicide in campus. Reason was to break the Ice that we all are murderers.
When I went back with clear intention of continuing as I booked hostel and other formalities for next Sem, my over bearing family came again and pushed me out here to join BARC.
There was no reason for biological mother to accompany me here for 18 days.
Just to give an idea just imagine you cannot bear someone by guts and had to stay with him/her in same room micromanaging you all the time. This blog was my only support.
Now that this place has started growing on me. The same cycle is being wished to be repeated. I will not allow it.
Also I don’t want to force Hindi on anyone here. But if something very informative is in Hindi it can be a good resource to learn a new language if one wishes to. I would love something same in any other language as well.